July 3, 2001

(In the life of an adult sexual abuse survivor)

Better to be alone....

Still dwelling on my quickly-disintegrating relationship with my husband.

Today, while on the train to work, I took off my wedding ring set.  I swore I would never do that - I love my hubby that much.  But recent events has got me thinking that considering the tremendous conflict we are having now, I think I'd better be prepared for anything.

I flung the rings into my purse and considered buying a silver ring to cover up the ring marks I now have on that finger.

Later that morning, while signing some papers I found myself using my maiden name again. Then I started dreaming of my own place again. If this marriage finally failed, I would never get married again.

Something deep inside me is quite fed up with my husband.

Furthermore, I am worried that if I have any children with him, he would dare to take them to see my family.  I've told him repeatedly that if something happened to my child[ren] while in my family's house, the family would hide the secret for years if they could in the interest of protecting each other.  I'd never know that my child was hurt.

I don't know if he noticed that I'm not wearing the rings.  I have a feeling that he did because he is very observant.  I caught him looking at my hand with a look on his face that could only say that he would not broach the subject for now.

He never mentioned anything.